Panic
by becktobeck
Summary: Oneshot. Fear grips Sara and she turns to Tegan for help. More of a sisterly love than quincest. This is not so much of a story as it is an experience I had about and hour ago that I needed to get out.


It's 12am and Sara should really be asleep but something is off. She knows she has school tomorrow but something in her body won't let her settle down. She turns off her light and sits in her room in the dark trying to figure out why she feels so scared. She doesn't understand at first why there is an unexplainable fear pulling and nagging at her. She mentally scolds herself for being afraid of nothing. She's far too old for this crap, she's almost an adult for crying out loud. Gradually it dawns on her that she may be having a panic attack. It happens to her sometimes and it would explain the paranoia that's getting larger by the second. As the minutes pass she can feel her breathing become shorter and more rapid and her back muscles tense and bunch. She squeezes her eyes shut tight and holds herself together. She's strong and she knows she can deal with this. It will be better by morning, even if she has to deal with it for half of the night. The worst part is being alone when it happens. It's always the worst part. For one no one in her family would understand the panic that grips her and the ways in which it affects her. And even if they did they were all asleep by now. She can't sleep and is afraid to move too fast, so she curls herself into a ball in the middle of her room on the floor and waits. She's gotten through them before and she can do it again. But this one is different. More urgent. It's getting too hard to breathe and she thought her body might actually break from how hard she is shaking. And the fear is present and worse than ever. She glances at her window and cringes. Something could come from there and get her. And from under the bed. And from in the closet. She's too exposed. She turns her light on and returns to the middle of the room but this time wraps herself in a blanket and clutches a stuffed animal to her chest. She's no longer worried about acting like an adult would. This time it's serious. She might even die this time, she thinks. In fact she's sure of it. With the way her body is aching and about to burst and the way her heart is racing she's so sure of it. Tonight is the night she dies. Tears race down her cheeks and she whimpers and shivers and worries. She's squeezing the stuffed animal like it's the last thing that can save her and she shoves her face into the soft fur. Suddenly she can't stand staying still any longer. She jumps up. But where should she go? Everywhere there is chance of a threat. The only safe spot is the middle where she's at but she can't stay there and she knows it. She begins to pace and then she opens her bedroom door and peeks out into the hallway. She turns the hall light on and paces there. And then she goes into the kitchen and turns those lights on too. She moves all across the house and turns on lights and walks around and the whole time she's scared and trembling and crying. She walks everywhere she can as fast as she can. Through the kitchen. Into the hallway and back into her room, then in a circle and out again. She's whimpering and she can't stop moving because if she does she knows she can be captured. Something will get her if she stops. Her heart is racing in her chest and she moves faster and faster until she's almost running. She follows the same path every time because routine is good and calming. The cold air on her skin bothers her a great deal and leaves her feeling exposed so once she's in her room again she stops for just a second to wrap herself in a blanket and then leaves again. The fear is painful. Everything aches and shudders and creaks. She's losing her sense of self and thinks maybe she's going crazy so to calm herself she whispers as she walks. "Sara Quin. Your name is Sara Quin. Your name is Sara Quin." She repeats the line over and over and feels a bit better. Suddenly she wants to hurt herself. She wants to throw herself against the ground and bang her head on the carpet over and over again, all while her heart and mind races. But instead she heads back into the hallway. She stops at Tegan's door and contemplates. She hops up and down from foot to foot as she thinks but eventually she turns the knob and enters. It's dark and she can see Tegan's form asleep on her bed. Sara stands at the end of Tegan's bed for a minute, still hopping. She wants to wake her but she's scared, so scared. She's scared of waking her up but she's scared of not waking her up too. Finally she gives in and shakes her sister until she wakes up.

"Tegan. Something is wrong." She's scared that Tegan won't understand or will be mad but Tegan takes one look at her sister's scrunched face that's full of tears and sits up.

"What is it?"

Sara thinks. "I can't breathe." She says.

"Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm scared, I'm scared." Sara admits.

"Of what?"

Sara knew Tegan wouldn't really get it and she can't explain. She starts crying more but this time out of frustration. She's tired and she just needs someone to understand and help. Tegan stares at her 17 year old sister that looks quite like a child with the blanket that's wrapped around her pulled up to her eyes to fend off the tears and the whimpering she is emitting. She doesn't understand but it doesn't mean she doesn't want to help in some way. She tugs on Sara's blanket until Sara's knees hit the bed then tugs some more to pull her into the bed with her. She covers Sara with her own blanket and wraps her arms around her sister as tight as she can. She can feel Sara's intense shivering and it scares her a bit.

"What's wrong?" She whispers into Sara's ear. Sara just shakes her head and continues to cry softly. Tegan squeezes her sister tighter and rests her chin on the top of Sara's head. She rubs her back in large circles. Sara wants her sister to completely envelop her, to surround her and keep her safe but she's embarrassed and so instead of asking she does her best to make herself smaller and wedge herself into Tegan's small frame. Tegan continues to comfort her sister, not really knowing what's going on. Eventually Sara's fear begins to ease away. Too slow but still leaving and so she's grateful. But as the fear leaves it's replaced with intense fatigue and a terrible ache everywhere in her body as if she had just gone through rigorous exercise. Her crying slows to hiccups and Tegan's slow circles on her back lull her to a half sleep. Tegan hopes there isn't something seriously wrong with her sister but whatever is happening she wants to be there for her. She hates her sister with all of her guts most of the time but no matter what there would always be that instinctual love and care that comes with family and siblings and when her sister was so visibly hurting Tegan would do anything to help. Sara is almost fully asleep now and Tegan's petting slows. She doesn't know what just happened. Now that Sara seems better she wants to hate her again and kick her out of her bed and back into her own room but she's also scared that whatever happened could come back so instead she lets Sara cuddle into her body. She could hate her sister again in the morning, but for now she'd let Sara sleep in her bed. And with that final thought she fell asleep herself.


End file.
